We are 4 days away from Kyle's birthday and the end of his 2nd blog book. I thought I'd better end this thing with something positive. Though this was basically the worst trip of our lives, we did have some good distractions.
Our first stop was in Chicago. I couldn't get to my camera until the very end of the night. I missed some great pictures with Aunt Donna, cousin Donovan, Grandma Sally and Grandma Gina. My brother and sister-in-law also came over. Here's the only picture I got right before bed.
GG drove us to the airport to catch our flight to Minneapolis. She helped us all the way to the gate. Kyle was so excited to fly a "GG plane." Since we live so close to an airport, he sees them daily and was really looking forward to flying one. Waking Kyle up at 4am meant he got to stay in his jammies. Look at his proud, happy face! ;)
While with my friend and her girls, we walked over to check out some chickens and bunnies. We didn't stay long because it was SO hot and humid. Kyle wanted to go inside for the first time in his life!
When Ru arrived, the kids had fun being entertained "the Rudy way."
All 3 kids got on a horse later that day. Kyle loved it and wasn't scared at all.
With Esther. I feel so badly that after months of anticipation, our trip with their family just didn't turn out so well. Of course, it had nothing to do with them.
It was good to see them all again. And it was comforting to have my best friend with me... Kyle loved the girls and still mentions their names every so often.
I had been meaning to blog about it in this family blog since the first day we found out we were pregnant but I guess other things came up. So although I wrote about it in Jonathan's book, I'd like Kyle to know here, just how cute he was with his little brother.
On the day I told Rudy I was pregnant through Kyle's shirt, and without telling Kyle specifically, Kyle immediately lifted up my shirt to look for the baby that was in mommy's tummy. We were surprised he had somehow figured it all out, but we were delighted he seemed excited. And I guess we underestimated how smart this guy is, because we thought he'd forget. Well, the next morning, and every morning after... Kyle would ask about the baby and kiss my tummy. Soon we had a pattern going where he would join me in my bed in the early morning and eat crackers with me until I could stand up and start the day. We started toasting and saying "Cheers" as we touched our crackers together. At various times throughout the day, every day, Kyle would pat my tummy and say hi, give the baby (my tummy) his pacifier, share his food with the baby, saying his "sister" needed some "ums." He would ask, "Kyle hold baby - hand?" and point to his hands. It got to the point where he'd even wake up at 5am and with eyes still closed, ask about "Mommy baby." I'd always reassure him that the baby was still there and he'd go back to sleep. Dreaming of baby?
We thought it was so sweet. We had a few friends bring over meals and both times that a baby came, Kyle was fascinated. He'd stare at, kiss, and caress each baby. And after looking at the babies, he'd come up to my tummy and ask about "Kyle baby" in "Mommy tummy." He seemed anxious to meet our baby and definitely very aware of the life growing inside me. He even wanted to share his food so the baby would grow faster.
The morning after Rudy flew in to be with us and we'd spent the entire dark hours in tears with Jonathan, Kyle woke up and hugged us both, then turned to my tummy and did his usual routine. It absolutely broke our hearts. We told him that his baby brother was in heaven with Jesus. He only needed to be reminded twice.
Since then, Kyle says, "Mommy - baby - heaven. Jesus?" And since Rudy taught Kyle about Jesus being in heaven while out on a kayak in the Back Bay, every time we go or drive by, he reminds us that the baby is with Jesus in heaven. A constant reminder considering we go often. And each time he sees me cry, he cuddles me and will sometimes say, "Baby?" He's also pointed to a picture of the casket and said, "Baby." And he didn't even go with us to the graveside service. I don't know how he knows so much, but he does. And it both warms and breaks our hearts.
Today, I think he said the saddest thing so far. While out shopping, Kyle saw a newborn baby in a stroller and stared. He looked sad and with a quiet voice turned to look at me and said with a sense of finality, "Mommy - Baby - No." I almost choked. And once again, I felt that sharp pain.
We'll try again someday and I hope Kyle will get to be a big brother. Still, we grieve for the brother Kyle never got to know. He would have been a good one to him. He loved him from the very first day.
I'm not gonna lie, the daily tasks of life are so overwhelming right now. I was going to give myself this week with no agenda and then somehow snap out of it next week and start living again. I needed some time. For better or for worse, life had a way of finding me and several tasks have landed on my lap that I can't ignore. One of the only things that was exciting was a parent/child playdate that I signed Kyle and I up for this summer. Kyle's (possible) future preschool has various summer programs and one of them looked so fun for us to get our feet wet, so to speak. This is nothing like preschool, but we call it "Kyle's school" because I want Kyle to start having positive associations with school (especially if he goes there), and Mommy goes to work at a school and Daddy went to school, and Grandpa goes to work at a school... it seems like we're always telling Kyle somebody's at school, I figured he might as well have a school, too! And he loved it! This is a totally unstructured play time that we'll go to once a week for 2.5 hours at a time. They have so many fun stations set up for exploratory play. Here were some of Kyle's favorites...
The big bus! I think this picture was cuter with the whole bus in it because he looked so tiny. But I'm kind of protective about having names and cities out there for the weirdos of the Internet to see, so I cropped it out.
Mr. Fireman at your service. Watch out ladies!
Up and down these stairs... and fixing all the "broken" parts with some tools.
3 pools, water slides, and sprinkler thingys. We'll bring a swimsuit next time!
I'm glad we signed up. Kyle has been asking to go back to "Kyle's school" all day now! And whatever brings my boy joy, makes me a happy Mommy. Too bad everyone there is meeting and greeting and asking every mother how many kids she has and other normal questions that shouldn't hurt so bad. :(
Jonathan Martin is now home in both spirit and body. In spirit, we know that he is with the Lord, waiting for us to someday join him. In body, he now rests in a little, rectangular plot of ground less than 7 miles from our home. Our wonderful pastor, Gary, came to pray with us today at a private, graveside service. It was such a difficult day. We have cried our eyes out and are totally spent, but we are glad to have honored our son in this way.
This is how we wrapped him up when we said good-bye in Minnesota.
We saw this sign today, driving in to the Memorial Park. :(
Our final moments with Jonathan before his casket was sealed.
Rudy, Kyle and I wrote to the baby in each of these envelopes. Rudy's was the saddest thing I've ever read.
Jonathan rests with many other babies in an infant garden.
We had the hardest time walking away ...
We chose to bury our son because although he was just 13 weeks along, he was fully formed with 10 fingers and 10 toes. He had a beautiful face with tiny eyes, a pointed nose and small mouth. His long torso and tiny, tiny bottom were strikingly similar to that of Kyle's. And, he was old enough to clearly tell his gender. He was absolutely beautiful and a testament to God's amazing creation. We have pictures we will both treasure and grieve over, forever.
Jonathan's blog book is complete and ready to be published. It contains only 12 pages. While it is impossible to comprehend why his life was cut so short, we know that he was not a mistake. Psalm 139:15-16 says, "My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Believing in our sovereign God, we trust that Jonathan has and will continue to fulfill his purpose on earth, whatever that may be, and we eagerly await to see him and hold him again in heaven. And maybe then, we'll get to ask God, "Why?"
Until then...
The following is a song that we've known but only yesterday held new meaning for us. After filling out tons of burial paperwork and signing over and over, our relationship to the deceased as "Mother" and "Father" by our names (SO hard), we got in the car and heard this song play. This is our heart. Though it feels like the hardest thing to do, we will choose to praise him in this storm, because he is worthy of it, no matter what we go through. I know he will be faithful to us.
We are all safe and under one roof tonight. It's both good and difficult to be home. Our trip to Murdo was just the right amount of distraction and time away from everything, however, we really missed each other and are anxious to see Jonathan make it to his final resting place.
Walking in to our home, I am reminded of the fact that for over a month, I did nothing but lay on a couch, bed, or futon. Being as sick as I was, I didn't cook, clean, work, nothing! So, I'm jumping back in to life with mixed feelings. It's nice to be able to function again, but...
And it's not like I can ever forget that my womb is empty, but walking in to the house to hear a handful of messages from our "would have been" perinatologist (high-risk doctor), see my prenatal vitamins sitting on the kitchen counter across from a beautiful ultrasound picture on the fridge, the crackers by my bed ... all these things and more just continue to remind me of the sad reality that is ours.
Though the pain can sometimes seem unbearable, I want to thank those of you who have prayed. I can feel it. I really can. So thank you. And please don't stop! This will be a difficult weekend.
First of all, do you know how hard it is for me to write a new post to replace the one about my son? It's as if keeping that last one up would keep him around longer. I know life moves on, but we aren't yet. And I almost feel like never writing again.
However, today, we hit another rough patch of luck and I'm wondering what else could possibly come next. I can't wait till we are all home and safe. And then I don't want to leave the house for a month! Yesterday, Rudy drove Kyle and I on an 8 hour trip from north of Minneapolis to Murdo, South Dakota. We drove in after 10:30 pm and after seeing my grandparents and some fireworks for a few minutes, we called it a day. Ru turned around to make the same drive back starting at 7am for a flight from Minneapolis to home. I'm so thankful he sacrificed so much to get us here. I had really wanted to come from the beginning of this whole horrible saga, one that I didn't go into any detail about because basically after losing Jonathan, nothing was that important anymore and certainly not worth complaining about. But basically after going through a ridiculous amount of stress and travel, Kyle and I made it to the general area and were looking forward to time with family. Everything changed on Thursday and I no longer cared about getting to see family, except for the fact that this week, Ru is working super long days at his new internship and I didn't want to be home alone. So he offered to drive us out to Murdo and then drive all the way back to catch his flight home.
On the road today, just after getting back in to Minnesota, he reached over to get something and swerved off the road, over-corrected, and ended up totaling (we think) a car that the parents of our friends so generously let us borrow!! AGH! He is ok, minus some cuts and bruises, thank GOD! But he ended up stranded on the side of the interstate, missing his flight home. Thankfully, my uncle and cousin were home and drove 4 hours total to get him and bring him back to another airport where we paid to have his flight changed. As I type he should be in the air within a couple of hours, taking our Jonathan home with him.
This whole trip was doomed from the beginning and I now know that when so many doors are closed, put stubborness aside and leave well enough alone. We are, of course, so thankful that Rudy is fine, will still get home to report to his first day on the new job, and that Kyle and I didn't have to experience the accident. We are also very weary and need a break, fast!
Our baby boy went to heaven on Thursday, June 30th. He was 13 weeks along. I held his perfectly formed little body in my hand and I will never be the same again.
I'm told there was nothing I did wrong, but there were many stressors that certainly didn't help the situation. I was determined to make it to Minnesota to visit my friend Esther and her family, and then drive over to South Dakota to be with my grandparents, family, and extended family for a reunion. After an unbelievably stressful day of travels and heavy loads, Kyle and I finally made it to a surprise overnight layover stop in Chicago. Shortly after arriving, I started bleeding. Once in Minnesota, and before leaving the airport, I inquired about the first flight back to Southern California. I knew, though I desperately wanted to believe it would be like the last time and turn out fine. My friend helped me make the decision to lay low and rest a day to see if that would help. I was in no condition to fly again. I'm so thankful she did. Because in what would have been an hour into my flight, had I gone, I experienced the most traumatic event of my life.
We are grieving. Beyond what words can describe. Seeing the baby took this pain to an entirely different level. Rudy flew out to Minnesota and is here with us now. While Kyle slept, Ru and I shared a very special time with our baby. It was excruciatingly painful yet strangely beautiful as we felt God's peace wash over us. It was a good way to begin our long process of healing.
We are so thankful for our Kyle. He brings us much comfort and joy. And of course, though we can't understand why this happened, we still trust our God and are leaning on him minute by minute.
Arrangements will be made as soon as possible for a burial near home. Thank you, in advance, for any prayers on our behalf.
Or is it? When I came home from the doctor's appointment the other day, I purposefully only Googled for about 10 or 15 minutes and then made myself stop. Somehow, yesterday, I found myself on a chat board with women who all have a bicornuate uterus. I'm left wondering if that was a good thing.
Of course when you read boards you hear everything from A to Z, some mild cases and some worst-case scenarios. Before I began reading, I was feeling somewhat comforted by the fact that we have Kyle. That it worked for us pretty well the first time and I convinced myself that that must mean my fusion isn't as deep as it could be. Wrong! As I scrolled down the list of comments left by these women, I read over and over again from women who'd had normal, healthy pregnancies with their first child only to have really scary and sad scenarios with their second. Survival rates across the board are only 51 - 60%. So for every positive story there was a very bad one right after.
I'm sure it's good to mentally prepare yourself for the possibilities of what could come and not be blind-sighted, but there's a fine line between being prepared and being worried. I was really trying not to be (worried). The difficult thing about this is that the possibilities really run the gammon. I know logically it is futile to worry because this could be a very healthy pregnancy and I'd hate to spend the entire time on edge just waiting for something to happen. On the other hand, the risks are very real and worry is a hard thing to shake.
I think every pregnant mother or mother waiting to receive a child thinks, plans, and dreams about what that day will look like. We wonder when the baby will come and how the delivery will go, etc. It feels strange to me to be completely in the dark about it all now. I mean, it's always relatively unknown, but most mothers (I think!) can make plans for sometime around their due date, or at least start out thinking that way. Not only do I not know when, but I'm not even sure how this baby will come. C-sections are pretty common because babies often present in a breech position. So while I spent 3 months preparing for a natural labor with Kyle, I don't even know that any of it would be necessary this time around. And for a planner like me, it feels a bit weird, like I'm just winging it or something.
So is ignorance better? It sure made my pregnancy with Kyle easier! I think although I'm more scared now, after reading so much, I am grateful for the time to wrap my head around it all. I promise not to blog every time worry gets the better of me. :)
Those are never comforting words. Fortunately, at this point, its a matter of being pro-active and there are no immediate concerns. Kyle and I got to see the baby again today, and all was well. As we approach the end of our 1st trimester, I am so thankful the baby has a solid heartbeat and healthy growth pattern. Very good signs after what happened a month ago. However, we did get referred to a high-risk specialist.
The concern lies with my uterus. For years I'd known I have a unique uterine malformation called a bicornuate uterus. I hadn't looked it up and really didn't know of any of its possible complications.The doctors who've mentioned it always said it in passing and made it sound like it wasn't a big deal. I'd heard my uterus was shaped like a heart with the top part coming down farther than normal. The radiologist in the ER pointed out that the part I just mentioned comes down far enough to make 2 uterine cavities instead of one. Here's a drawling of one:
Pretty strange to have more than one uterus. And what a weird word, anyway. So this happens in only 0.1 - 0.5% of women in the U.S. It can cause miscarriages, preterm labor and low birth weight, to name a few. The degree of the fusion dictates what kinds of complications could arise. And most miscarriages for women with this type of uterus happen during their 2nd trimester, just before or after the baby is of viable age. So we aren't out of the woods, so to speak. :( And after this baby is born, I'll most likely have an MRI to determine whether or not I'd need surgery to attempt to fix this problem (if we want to have another child).
Given the history we have with a previous miscarriage, Kyle and his 3rd trimester slow growth rate in utero, significant heart decels (enough to be induced), low birth weight, and need to be in the NICU for really low blood-sugar levels (a sign of insufficient nutrient supply), not to mention his "failure to thrive status" since 4 months old, and my recent "threatened miscarriage," we have ample reasons to take this bicornuate thing seriously. (There's more detail on why each of those issues are likely related to this problem, but I'm trying to be brief!) So I'll be monitored more closely. Right now, there isn't anything anyone can do about it and since the baby looks great so far, I'm not worried until I'm given a reason to be. In other words, a lot of things could happen... but if I lived thinking that way, I'd drive myself nuts. So we'll just take this one day at a time and pray for health and safety for the baby.
Rudy's latest. He had a lot of fun crafting this to perfection.My photography skills (or lack thereof) and average camera don't do it justice ... She really is a beauty. For some strange reason, I can't get the picture to turn sideways like I took it.
And Kyle was ALL about paddling when we went out on Father's Day. When it comes to getting in the action, this kid is no bystander!! Another new fun thing he took out on our latest trip, was his toy fishing pole! He giggles and giggles as he reels it in. Here he is practicing on our bed.
Hello! Thanks for stopping by our little slice of the Internet. I began writing this blog over 9 years ago to connect with family and friends should they want to check-in on us. It then turned in to a journal of sorts, highlighting what I thought we'd want to remember. I've since tried to scale back and not reveal every single thought, emotion, or step we take! Not so hard anymore ... as now, with two boys and working full-time, I've almost forgotten I have a blog!
