A year ago today...

...was the most traumatic day of my life. I knew mid-morning that it would likely happen, but NOTHING on this planet could have ever prepared me for what it would feel like to hold my dead baby. And although I thank God I'm a year away from that hellish day, no amount of time will ever take away the images I have burned on my heart and mind. :(  

Though I think it would have been a whole lot easier had I not seen him, I actually am thankful to have "met" him, to have been able to hold him, know his gender, and name him. It is important to us to honor his little body, his life/existence. And so we did that today. It's always very difficult and emotional to visit him. It helps that we believe he's in heaven, having the time of his life up there. 

I've been hurt all too often by various comments or people not remembering that Jonathan even existed. But today, and always, I want to give people grace. I know what it was like to be on the other side of this, and not have this understanding. I readily admit I didn't have a clue what my friend Melissa was feeling when she birthed her stillborn boy. In fact, just minutes after holding Jonathan I was on the phone with her sobbing and saying, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!" She asked why I was apologizing to her. I think part of it was me saying sorry to my baby, but another huge part was me saying sorry to her because then I KNEW how she'd felt and I was shocked at how intense and unbearable the pain was. The fact that my friend had experienced THIS kind of pain just blew me away. And I hadn't understood until I held and lost my own. 

So here we are, one year from that day. The pain isn't as sharp, but still very real.We thank God for his comfort and blessings, but we miss Jonathan so much and will always feel his absence in our family. 

Lots of love to our little boy.

Visiting Papa's Work

Ru called us one day last week and invited us over to see his new work. Kyle didn't need to be asked twice! He loves Papa's therapy "toys" and if you know Ru, you know we've had lots of gadgets and gizmos around the house. :) 

 We explored every nook and cranny. This was the laser room where patients and therapists wear special glasses to protect their eyes.

 Peeling off the wax on Mommy's hand. He thought this one was strange.

We had so much fun. So proud of Ru and thankful for this job! 

Our Oregon Adventure

A few weeks ago, Kyle and I went to Oregon to be with family and enjoy the beautiful ranch/resort-like environment of Black Butte. My mom and her sister and all their kids' families rent a huge house and enjoy biking, hiking, golfing, swimming, tennis, the many lakes and overall outdoors. It was beautiful and since we were there so early in the season, we had the place almost to ourselves! Although we were so sad Ru couldn't join us, I'm glad he let us go without him! ;) Kyle loves being in nature and enjoyed playing with his cousins. Now the picture of this family on our fridge holds new meaning for him as he recognizes the faces of each of his extended family members. He talks about going back to Oregon frequently! :) 

We decided after losing Jonathan, that I just wouldn't fly while pregnant. So, we hitched a ride with my cousins and their one year old, Chase. 

The boys were AMAZING and greatly exceeded our expectations! It was very, very doable. We drove the 920 some miles from my house to Black Butte in record time (considering two kids and a pregnant me) with very few stops. Kyle even enjoyed the drive/adventure! He particularly liked the "hotels." During our lunch rest stops, my cousin was so kind to help run Kyle's legs and stretch with him. 

Another break of throwing rocks in the stream down below.

Black Butte!! This natural spring was just down the hill from our house.

My aunt can really work a garage sale so we didn't have to rent anything, just brought up his helmet and training wheels.

Riding with grandpa.

Eating at the "kids table"

Since the adults kept knocking out a 1,000 piece puzzle on an almost daily basis, the kids enjoyed one of their own.

Swimming

Walking to the local lake for some tadpole/bug collecting.

Lake Aspen

Collecting any living organism possible... or just making the water murky! :)

My cousins did find a few interesting things to look at. Last time we were there during the spawning season, so maybe next time they will really see some cool things! Either way, the kids had fun.

My aunt and mom took all the ladies out for  brunch at the fancy shmancy lodge. It was so fun!!!

Mi mommy y hermanita.

Then, all to quickly the week was over and we were back in the car heading home.  We logged another 930 miles home!! This was our view of Mt. Shasta, CA.

Great trip! But also glad to have the miles behind us! :) We'll hopefully be flying next time! :) 

Happy Father's Day, Ru!

Kyle and I drove in yesterday from a family reunion up in Oregon.Since Rudy had gotten his job just prior to our vacation, he stayed behind. We missed him so much. Thankfully, we came home on Father's Day!! Ru had cleaned (de-bachelorized) the house and decorated for our homecoming! Kyle loved seeing his NuNu again and really loves his balloon. Ru also surprised Kyle with a picture scavenger-hunt!! Kyle was running all through the house finding clues and little surprises! Then, after celebrating Papa, we went out for ice-cream! So happy to be home! :)

Happy Father's Day, Ru, from your 3 boys. xoxo

Kyle's Train Adventure

Last week, we went to LA with Mimi on the train. Kyle has been on the L in Chicago, but this was his first  train ride at home. Once in LA, we also took the subway to get where we needed to go. He loved every second of this whole experience and was looking here and there and commenting on just about everything. It was so fun to watch him and made the trip so worth it just for his reaction! :)

Proudly holding our tickets!

 Waiting and waiting for the train to come!!!

 Hooray! It's here!!!!

 All smiles!

 On the subway. He loved that we were under the ground.

 What a big boy, huh?

 Proudly sitting all by himself.

Such fun! He's been asking to go back on a train ever since. It really was a breeze, we just might think of other adventures that involve the train.

The latest "Adventures of Mr. Kyle"

Life is hardly dull for this little guy. He's such an endearing little man who loves life and loves people! He really couldn't bring us any more joy than he already does! And we get the privilege of giving him a brother soon! What fun the two will have! ;) I can hardly stand it!! 

Here's a snapshot (or two) of what he's been up to lately: 

Lounging at GG's pool

 Always working on a project or copying what his Papa does. (Not a real bit in there.)

 Playing the drums at Holden's house! His neighbors are cooler than ours!

 Playing conductor with Holden's battery-run Thomas

 Sharks and scooters with Max. Already hearing, "Aw Mom, do we have to go in now?!"

 Fishing with Papa

 On the Ferris Wheel with their hands up. Kyle loves heights and going fast!

Family bike rides. His first time on the boardwalk on his own bike (not tricycle).

 Breakfast at Mimi's just because he missed her already.

 Always pushing the limits, trying the latest and scariest!

 Painting

 And bouncing with his friend and neighbor, Elsie.

Rudy got a job!!!

Today, Rudy realized his dream and goal of over 8 years!!! (insert my tears of relief, pride, and thankfulness!) He interviewed for the job on Wednesday and got the offer right then and there. He accepted the position on Thursday and Friday morning he was starting his career with fresh, new evaluations (patients). We are so thankful! It is a part time job for a month or so with the promise of being full time by the end of July.

His day was a full one with various challenges, but it was good! He's doing what he loves and what God has definitely gifted him to do. Hooray!! Gosh, this day seemed so far away for so many years ... and today we begin to reap the benefits of all the work, money, and sacrifice our family has made for so long. SO happy!!

If I may go on a little bit of a soap box ...  there's so many misconceptions about what a physical therapist does and doesn't do. Every PT is aware of these misconceptions and efforts are being made to educate the public, but it still remains that most people think a PT does massage. Some facilities may do more manual therapy, but come on... why would you need a BS and then 3.5 full-time years of a Master's Degree to give a massage? And most programs are doctorates now, which Ru will continue on to get as well. Instead, PT's are trained to evaluate and treat any neuromuscular or musculoskeletal condition. That means the entire body. Just studying for his board exams brought back all of the years of learning about every random detail related to the body. And in case you haven't noticed, our bodies are pretty darn complex! Ru learned that when diagnosing a musculoskeletal condition, an Orthopedic Surgeon will get it right 80+% of the time, a Medical Doctor will get it right only 30% of the time, and a Physical Therapist about 70% of the time. Of course, an orthopedic surgeon and a PT specialize in this area, but it still goes to show that PT's need to know their stuff and they don't just do massage! (I can't tell you how many times we've heard this and absolutely cringe!) Now, I've gone to see a few physical therapists myself and there are some good ones and some who give a more cookie-cutter approach. Trust me when I say, Ru will be one of those good ones! Before he "got smart" as I lovingly call all these years of schooling, he'd do more manual therapy ... now that he knows his stuff, he can ask a few questions and immediately pin point what my problem is. Then, he will show me how to solve the problem and set the timer on me. Long gone are the days when I could just lay there and get pampered! :)

Thanks for letting me brag a bit and set the record straight! And thanks for all the encouragement we've received along the way! We have been supported in so many different ways and we are forever grateful!