I had been meaning to blog about it in this family blog since the first day we found out we were pregnant but I guess other things came up. So although I wrote about it in Jonathan's book, I'd like Kyle to know here, just how cute he was with his little brother.
On the day I told Rudy I was pregnant through Kyle's shirt, and without telling Kyle specifically, Kyle immediately lifted up my shirt to look for the baby that was in mommy's tummy. We were surprised he had somehow figured it all out, but we were delighted he seemed excited. And I guess we underestimated how smart this guy is, because we thought he'd forget. Well, the next morning, and every morning after... Kyle would ask about the baby and kiss my tummy. Soon we had a pattern going where he would join me in my bed in the early morning and eat crackers with me until I could stand up and start the day. We started toasting and saying "Cheers" as we touched our crackers together. At various times throughout the day, every day, Kyle would pat my tummy and say hi, give the baby (my tummy) his pacifier, share his food with the baby, saying his "sister" needed some "ums." He would ask, "Kyle hold baby - hand?" and point to his hands. It got to the point where he'd even wake up at 5am and with eyes still closed, ask about "Mommy baby." I'd always reassure him that the baby was still there and he'd go back to sleep. Dreaming of baby?
We thought it was so sweet. We had a few friends bring over meals and both times that a baby came, Kyle was fascinated. He'd stare at, kiss, and caress each baby. And after looking at the babies, he'd come up to my tummy and ask about "Kyle baby" in "Mommy tummy." He seemed anxious to meet our baby and definitely very aware of the life growing inside me. He even wanted to share his food so the baby would grow faster.
The morning after Rudy flew in to be with us and we'd spent the entire dark hours in tears with Jonathan, Kyle woke up and hugged us both, then turned to my tummy and did his usual routine. It absolutely broke our hearts. We told him that his baby brother was in heaven with Jesus. He only needed to be reminded twice.
Since then, Kyle says, "Mommy - baby - heaven. Jesus?" And since Rudy taught Kyle about Jesus being in heaven while out on a kayak in the Back Bay, every time we go or drive by, he reminds us that the baby is with Jesus in heaven. A constant reminder considering we go often. And each time he sees me cry, he cuddles me and will sometimes say, "Baby?" He's also pointed to a picture of the casket and said, "Baby." And he didn't even go with us to the graveside service. I don't know how he knows so much, but he does. And it both warms and breaks our hearts.
Today, I think he said the saddest thing so far. While out shopping, Kyle saw a newborn baby in a stroller and stared. He looked sad and with a quiet voice turned to look at me and said with a sense of finality, "Mommy - Baby - No." I almost choked. And once again, I felt that sharp pain.
We'll try again someday and I hope Kyle will get to be a big brother. Still, we grieve for the brother Kyle never got to know. He would have been a good one to him. He loved him from the very first day.
On the day I told Rudy I was pregnant through Kyle's shirt, and without telling Kyle specifically, Kyle immediately lifted up my shirt to look for the baby that was in mommy's tummy. We were surprised he had somehow figured it all out, but we were delighted he seemed excited. And I guess we underestimated how smart this guy is, because we thought he'd forget. Well, the next morning, and every morning after... Kyle would ask about the baby and kiss my tummy. Soon we had a pattern going where he would join me in my bed in the early morning and eat crackers with me until I could stand up and start the day. We started toasting and saying "Cheers" as we touched our crackers together. At various times throughout the day, every day, Kyle would pat my tummy and say hi, give the baby (my tummy) his pacifier, share his food with the baby, saying his "sister" needed some "ums." He would ask, "Kyle hold baby - hand?" and point to his hands. It got to the point where he'd even wake up at 5am and with eyes still closed, ask about "Mommy baby." I'd always reassure him that the baby was still there and he'd go back to sleep. Dreaming of baby?
We thought it was so sweet. We had a few friends bring over meals and both times that a baby came, Kyle was fascinated. He'd stare at, kiss, and caress each baby. And after looking at the babies, he'd come up to my tummy and ask about "Kyle baby" in "Mommy tummy." He seemed anxious to meet our baby and definitely very aware of the life growing inside me. He even wanted to share his food so the baby would grow faster.
The morning after Rudy flew in to be with us and we'd spent the entire dark hours in tears with Jonathan, Kyle woke up and hugged us both, then turned to my tummy and did his usual routine. It absolutely broke our hearts. We told him that his baby brother was in heaven with Jesus. He only needed to be reminded twice.
Since then, Kyle says, "Mommy - baby - heaven. Jesus?" And since Rudy taught Kyle about Jesus being in heaven while out on a kayak in the Back Bay, every time we go or drive by, he reminds us that the baby is with Jesus in heaven. A constant reminder considering we go often. And each time he sees me cry, he cuddles me and will sometimes say, "Baby?" He's also pointed to a picture of the casket and said, "Baby." And he didn't even go with us to the graveside service. I don't know how he knows so much, but he does. And it both warms and breaks our hearts.
Today, I think he said the saddest thing so far. While out shopping, Kyle saw a newborn baby in a stroller and stared. He looked sad and with a quiet voice turned to look at me and said with a sense of finality, "Mommy - Baby - No." I almost choked. And once again, I felt that sharp pain.
We'll try again someday and I hope Kyle will get to be a big brother. Still, we grieve for the brother Kyle never got to know. He would have been a good one to him. He loved him from the very first day.
What a heart-breaking post :( Kyle is such a sensitive and intuitive little man that it doesn't surprise me at all how aware he is of what happened. Big hugs to you - and the little guy!
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