Remembering Jonathan

Thank you!

I can't begin to describe how much each card, present, and email mean to us, particularly me. I've learned a thing or two about grief. It's not pretty. And long after everyone has forgotten, it will still be with us. I now understand what people mean when they say, "Take your time." Because it will take a long time. The hard thing about it though, is that you can't speed the healing up. You have to just walk through it day after day. And we are still in the thick of it. So because it's very easy to feel alone in this, I treasure the cards, emails, and little gifts that show someone cared and loved our son, too. Thank you, all.

That being said, if you'll allow me a moment to complain... I've learned that most people (in general) don't know what to do with a grieving person. Since we don't walk around all day like we're about to cry, people will assume we're fine. And if we do cry, then they think they should change the subject and/or not even bring it up. I know everyone grieves differently (and I may be weird), but I know that this is the exact opposite of what we (Rudy and I) need. We need our second son and our ever-present grief acknowledged. It doesn't need to be a topic of conversation, but a simple hug and "I'm sorry" on and off again throughout the months/years and on "birthdays" would mean so much. I'm not posting this for a reaction, but just as an observation I want to learn from (though I think I could hardly forget). I wasn't a fraction of the friend I wish I could have been when my good friend, Melissa, birthed her stillborn boy, Ezra, at 29 weeks. I did what everyone else does and I know I brought it up a few times to check in on her, but that isn't even the beginning of what I should have done, being that she is a close friend. She, on the other hand, walked this road ahead of me and knows exactly what I need. Apparently, we are very similar and I am so thankful for her. She's been a lifeline. I bring this up to thank her and not to guilt-trip anyone. Just over a month ago, I was oblivious and wouldn't have known any better myself. Thankfully, not everyone knows what it's like to hold their dead baby. Still, many friends and family know the grief of losing a baby or a loved one. And those who do have touched me in a unique way. Again, thank you.

I used to follow a blogger who had experienced a loss somewhat similar to mine and she wrote about it all the time. Though I could try to empathize with her feelings, I didn't understand why she couldn't write about anything else. I clearly didn't understand. And unfortunately, now I do. I truly "get it." I could write about Jonathan a lot, but I won't.

I did, however, want to thank you all and post some of the special things we have to remember him by. One of the most treasured is a shadow box we made with Jonathan's name, delivery date, and pictures. Another item I cherish is the blog book I had written for my unknown "Little One." The ending is so abrupt, but I'm so glad my Little One has a name.

Although this is a bad picture, it's the best I could do. Just like Kyle's, Jonathan's says his name on one side and his delivery date on the other. I don't know how much I'll wear it, probably joining it with Kyle's chain, but we knew we'd have one made for each of our children, so Jonathan had to have one, too. I usually wear a more incognito necklace along with Kyle's that represents Jonathan without having to talk about it with inquiring strangers.

The incognito one is just a simple, beautiful heart necklace with a little heart with a tiny diamond connected to it. (Thanks, friend.) And another one with June's birthstone (Pearl) and January's birthstone (Garnet). It was found, made exactly this way, and given to me. I understood the significance right away and find it to be so uniquely special and yet so utterly heart-wrenching. And I must apologize for the picture... it doesn't do any of them justice.

Melissa's handmade blanket/pocket for Jonathan's few keepsakes. His initials are embroidered, JHM, in the middle.

And his delivery date, 6-30-11 on the reverse.

These things are incredibly special to us and help our healing. JHM was a real, little being. Though it hurts to see constant reminders, we honor his existence and his Creator.

We miss you, Jonathan. Our hearts will never stop aching for you.