Our little Firefighter

Some pictures and a little video of Kyle, the firefighter!! Here he is saving Elmo!!

Then, going back for Mr. Bones. Oh, no, he's trapped inside!

 Mr. Bones didn't quite make it...

Rudy made the ladder pictured in the following video. Kyle caries it everywhere with him around the house. And the boys also made this burning building out of an orange juice container.

A little video of the rescue:

Then, after a hard days work, Kyle the Fireman reads about more fire adventures with his dogs Clifford and Nero.

It's just too precious! :) 

Mimi and the Ukulele

Kyle is nuts about his ukulele and he's nuts about his Mimi. Put the two together with their ukuleles and what have ya got?

A very entertaining duet!! :)

San Diego Zoo

Ever since we found out we were going to be parents we've mentally been adding to a long list of places we "can't wait" to take our child. I can honestly say that ever since I was a little kid going through San Diego's Zoo School for a week-long program during a few summers, I knew I'd be taking my kids someday. San Diego Zoo is just SO much fun. It is beautiful, huge, and well worth the visit. After spending a full day there today, we only covered a quarter of the place, so we have to go back and see more! ;) We've been waiting for Kyle to be old enough to really enjoy it and so for a long while now, we've been anxiously looking for an opportunity to do so. Our friends had some free quest passes to share with us, so after trying all summer to make a trip out, we finally got there today! Yay and thanks, friends!

Our little adventurers... all day long they'd find sticks, rocks and dirt. Oh, and occasionally try to get in the exhibits! No joke!

Kyle's favorite zoo animal and most anticipated "see" was "Gerald the Giraffe." He loves his Gerald so much, he thinks the word for the animal is "Gerald" instead of "giraffe." We've got to blame his Auntie Ray and Uncle Ben for that. They sent a stuffed giraffe and a book called, Giraffes Can't Dance, and ever since, Kyle's been hooked on his Gerald. So naturally, all giraffes must be called Gerald! ;) I think there were 5 of them, so Kyle certainly got his fill. They are so amazing to watch up close.

Look how they have to spread out just to drink water.

Another favorite of Kyle's was the Panda.

Then, back to rock climbing and being boys. All 4 of them...

 And sliding down rocks, too. Why not?

Pure fun had by all.

Then, when it was time to leave, we took a "bucket" from the far end of the zoo back to the entrance. Kyle is  a little dare-devil. He always wants higher and faster, and loves every bit of it, asking for "more."

Finally, a childhood favorite... the train ride just outside the park. I have quite a few pictures of myself, Darc and Tiff, and Michael on this exact train. And then 8 years later, with my sister Michelle. LOVED taking Kyle.

Unfortunately, the best and most favorite of all... the carousel where you try to reach for these metal rings as you pass the dispenser thingy and then throw them at a fake clown, in hopes that you'll get the gold ring and get another free ride... was closed! :( We'll have to come back before too long!

Joshua Tree National Park

My training experience last week was fantastic!! It was so much work and so very tiring, but also a lot of fun! I enjoyed being back in the land of 5th grade, but was never more aware of my age. I was easily and completely outnumbered in years of experience and had to prove myself very early on. Fortunately, I did and the participants and I actually became quite close. One lady teared up with me when we said good-bye. I was really sad I'd never see them again. It was such a rewarding and fulfilling experience. I'm so thankful, on so many levels. It was fun to use what I've learned and be a professional again after living in the land of stay-at-home mom/ P.E. teacher! :) I drove home on such a high!! 

Ru and Kyle came up during the week and took the following pictures. Here they sneaked in and took a picture of us doing a grounding activity.

At Joshua Tree

Rock climbing!?!

They explored by themselves and then when I got done for the day, we took a dip in the pool and went back to Joshua Tree (a few miles away) to go on an adventure together! :) 

 Just Rudy up there. Kyle was with me! ;)

 

It was beautiful! We made a fun family memory and we're all so glad to have that training over with! :)

Highly-anticipated results...

We've gone through quite a journey trying to figure out what exactly my uterine malformation is, and what we can do about it. It's been a roller-coaster of emotions going from a very depressing/heart-breaking possible diagnosis, to radiologists not being sure exactly what was going on, to finally having the potential of it being "fixable." We waited, prayed, and waited some more. After receiving a second opinion on the MRI scan, we are told that my "bicornuate uterus" could really be a uterine septum. This would be great news! I am scheduled for surgery in November to determine exactly which condition I have. Yes, November!... ridiculous and very difficult, emotionally, to wait that long. While they are in there, if I have a bicornuate, the surgery would stop. If I have a septum, the surgery would continue to remove the tissue that divides my uterus in half.

Here's how the two possibilities break down:

• Bicornuates are not usually operated on and the risks would stay the same.
• Septums can be removed completely and significantly increase reproductive outcomes.

What if this was "only" a septum? If so, it should have been taken care of prior to getting pregnant with Jonathan. And if I didn't believe in a sovereign God, I'd just die knowing that we could have saved him, had we done something earlier. :( No matter what I believe, it still hurts. And I'll never not think, "If only ..."

However, assuming the latest word is correct, we are so glad our specialist's trained eye caught a tiny detail in my scan. If he had trusted the 1st radiologist's word and hadn't looked himself and hadn't requested a 2nd opinion from a pelvic radiologist, we would have been sent home to try again and most likely have doomed another pregnancy. Since successful septum pregnancies are very rare, considering the details of mine, we are reminded that Kyle is truly a miracle (having implanted in one of the very few perfect spots!) and we are thankful we can try to save another heartbreak with surgery. 

God's Latest Provision

I wouldn't normally want to talk about our finances on the blog, but when God pulls through, I've got to give credit where credit is due.

I'll give a little recap: Two years ago, I was laid off from my teaching job and 8 months pregnant. Since I was our only source of income while Ru was in graduate school, this was scary news. I remember panicking the day we were told, thinking there was no way we could live and support ourselves since the only thing I am trained to do was clearly out of the picture. (Almost every school district in the region was laying teachers off and making serious cuts.) But after panicking that day, I felt a supernatural sense of peace . . . knowing that our God would be faithful to us and somehow, we'd make it through this trial. While several colleagues around me spent every break time talking about it, worrying, and crying ... I felt calm. It was weird. I should have been very scared.

Soon after the school year ended, I got a call from a colleague saying that if I was willing to invest in a possibility, I should come with her to San Diego and attend a week-long training to become an Instructor of the Reading and Language Arts curriculum many California schools use. I saw this as an opportunity God was giving me and with faith, paid the precious $400 to attend the training. (Funny how $400 may not seem like a lot to some, but this was coming out of my very last paycheck, so it was very precious!) Unfortunately, with having to cut millions from school budgets, there weren't any districts buying new curriculum. So my manuals sat at the bottom of my closet collecting dust month after month, and I started losing hope I'd ever give the training. Yet each time I wanted to rid my closet of unused stuff, I couldn't bring myself to throw these materials away... I just felt sure, though I couldn't see when, that God had opened that door for me and would provide an opportunity someday.

Well, God did provide a few jobs last year. The main job was a 50% teaching gig. Now, usually when I'm working 100%, I save a chunk from each paycheck throughout the year to be able to pay for the summer months I don't work. This last year, though, it just wasn't possible. We finally had to break down and get a school loan. So again, this summer as I watched my last paycheck dwindle away and unexpected bills (like burying a son and totaling a car, to name a few) suddenly appear, I wondered how we were going to make it through another scary time. And in that same week, I got a phone call that proved God was yet again our Faithful Provider. After 2 years of waiting, that training opportunity finally came through!!

Today, after a month or so of preparation, I'll be heading out to the desert to give a week-long (40 hour) training to the 5th grade teachers in a school district there. And do you want to know the best part? The pay is exactly what we need until I get my first teaching paycheck in October. And? And! This week is Rudy's only week off between internships and school, so he will be able to watch Kyle the whole week and even come out to join me for some very hot, pool time at the hotel! ;)

God is so good. Though I'm nervous, I know this is manna from heaven, and I am going to take it! So far, God has answered my prayer - for exactly what we need, no more no less, with as little work as possible (so I can stay home with Kyle).

*fingers crossed, prayers please, for a successful training so they'll actually ask me to do this again!! :)

Remembering Jonathan

Thank you!

I can't begin to describe how much each card, present, and email mean to us, particularly me. I've learned a thing or two about grief. It's not pretty. And long after everyone has forgotten, it will still be with us. I now understand what people mean when they say, "Take your time." Because it will take a long time. The hard thing about it though, is that you can't speed the healing up. You have to just walk through it day after day. And we are still in the thick of it. So because it's very easy to feel alone in this, I treasure the cards, emails, and little gifts that show someone cared and loved our son, too. Thank you, all.

That being said, if you'll allow me a moment to complain... I've learned that most people (in general) don't know what to do with a grieving person. Since we don't walk around all day like we're about to cry, people will assume we're fine. And if we do cry, then they think they should change the subject and/or not even bring it up. I know everyone grieves differently (and I may be weird), but I know that this is the exact opposite of what we (Rudy and I) need. We need our second son and our ever-present grief acknowledged. It doesn't need to be a topic of conversation, but a simple hug and "I'm sorry" on and off again throughout the months/years and on "birthdays" would mean so much. I'm not posting this for a reaction, but just as an observation I want to learn from (though I think I could hardly forget). I wasn't a fraction of the friend I wish I could have been when my good friend, Melissa, birthed her stillborn boy, Ezra, at 29 weeks. I did what everyone else does and I know I brought it up a few times to check in on her, but that isn't even the beginning of what I should have done, being that she is a close friend. She, on the other hand, walked this road ahead of me and knows exactly what I need. Apparently, we are very similar and I am so thankful for her. She's been a lifeline. I bring this up to thank her and not to guilt-trip anyone. Just over a month ago, I was oblivious and wouldn't have known any better myself. Thankfully, not everyone knows what it's like to hold their dead baby. Still, many friends and family know the grief of losing a baby or a loved one. And those who do have touched me in a unique way. Again, thank you.

I used to follow a blogger who had experienced a loss somewhat similar to mine and she wrote about it all the time. Though I could try to empathize with her feelings, I didn't understand why she couldn't write about anything else. I clearly didn't understand. And unfortunately, now I do. I truly "get it." I could write about Jonathan a lot, but I won't.

I did, however, want to thank you all and post some of the special things we have to remember him by. One of the most treasured is a shadow box we made with Jonathan's name, delivery date, and pictures. Another item I cherish is the blog book I had written for my unknown "Little One." The ending is so abrupt, but I'm so glad my Little One has a name.

Although this is a bad picture, it's the best I could do. Just like Kyle's, Jonathan's says his name on one side and his delivery date on the other. I don't know how much I'll wear it, probably joining it with Kyle's chain, but we knew we'd have one made for each of our children, so Jonathan had to have one, too. I usually wear a more incognito necklace along with Kyle's that represents Jonathan without having to talk about it with inquiring strangers.

The incognito one is just a simple, beautiful heart necklace with a little heart with a tiny diamond connected to it. (Thanks, friend.) And another one with June's birthstone (Pearl) and January's birthstone (Garnet). It was found, made exactly this way, and given to me. I understood the significance right away and find it to be so uniquely special and yet so utterly heart-wrenching. And I must apologize for the picture... it doesn't do any of them justice.

Melissa's handmade blanket/pocket for Jonathan's few keepsakes. His initials are embroidered, JHM, in the middle.

And his delivery date, 6-30-11 on the reverse.

These things are incredibly special to us and help our healing. JHM was a real, little being. Though it hurts to see constant reminders, we honor his existence and his Creator.

We miss you, Jonathan. Our hearts will never stop aching for you.