Remembering Jonathan

Thank you!

I can't begin to describe how much each card, present, and email mean to us, particularly me. I've learned a thing or two about grief. It's not pretty. And long after everyone has forgotten, it will still be with us. I now understand what people mean when they say, "Take your time." Because it will take a long time. The hard thing about it though, is that you can't speed the healing up. You have to just walk through it day after day. And we are still in the thick of it. So because it's very easy to feel alone in this, I treasure the cards, emails, and little gifts that show someone cared and loved our son, too. Thank you, all.

That being said, if you'll allow me a moment to complain... I've learned that most people (in general) don't know what to do with a grieving person. Since we don't walk around all day like we're about to cry, people will assume we're fine. And if we do cry, then they think they should change the subject and/or not even bring it up. I know everyone grieves differently (and I may be weird), but I know that this is the exact opposite of what we (Rudy and I) need. We need our second son and our ever-present grief acknowledged. It doesn't need to be a topic of conversation, but a simple hug and "I'm sorry" on and off again throughout the months/years and on "birthdays" would mean so much. I'm not posting this for a reaction, but just as an observation I want to learn from (though I think I could hardly forget). I wasn't a fraction of the friend I wish I could have been when my good friend, Melissa, birthed her stillborn boy, Ezra, at 29 weeks. I did what everyone else does and I know I brought it up a few times to check in on her, but that isn't even the beginning of what I should have done, being that she is a close friend. She, on the other hand, walked this road ahead of me and knows exactly what I need. Apparently, we are very similar and I am so thankful for her. She's been a lifeline. I bring this up to thank her and not to guilt-trip anyone. Just over a month ago, I was oblivious and wouldn't have known any better myself. Thankfully, not everyone knows what it's like to hold their dead baby. Still, many friends and family know the grief of losing a baby or a loved one. And those who do have touched me in a unique way. Again, thank you.

I used to follow a blogger who had experienced a loss somewhat similar to mine and she wrote about it all the time. Though I could try to empathize with her feelings, I didn't understand why she couldn't write about anything else. I clearly didn't understand. And unfortunately, now I do. I truly "get it." I could write about Jonathan a lot, but I won't.

I did, however, want to thank you all and post some of the special things we have to remember him by. One of the most treasured is a shadow box we made with Jonathan's name, delivery date, and pictures. Another item I cherish is the blog book I had written for my unknown "Little One." The ending is so abrupt, but I'm so glad my Little One has a name.

Although this is a bad picture, it's the best I could do. Just like Kyle's, Jonathan's says his name on one side and his delivery date on the other. I don't know how much I'll wear it, probably joining it with Kyle's chain, but we knew we'd have one made for each of our children, so Jonathan had to have one, too. I usually wear a more incognito necklace along with Kyle's that represents Jonathan without having to talk about it with inquiring strangers.

The incognito one is just a simple, beautiful heart necklace with a little heart with a tiny diamond connected to it. (Thanks, friend.) And another one with June's birthstone (Pearl) and January's birthstone (Garnet). It was found, made exactly this way, and given to me. I understood the significance right away and find it to be so uniquely special and yet so utterly heart-wrenching. And I must apologize for the picture... it doesn't do any of them justice.

Melissa's handmade blanket/pocket for Jonathan's few keepsakes. His initials are embroidered, JHM, in the middle.

And his delivery date, 6-30-11 on the reverse.

These things are incredibly special to us and help our healing. JHM was a real, little being. Though it hurts to see constant reminders, we honor his existence and his Creator.

We miss you, Jonathan. Our hearts will never stop aching for you. 

Kyle's 2 year check-up

It seems like forever since I've posted one of these. Thankfully, eating and sleeping issues are, for the most part, a thing of the past!! What progress we've made! Yay Kyle! ;)

Today, at Kyle's doctor's appointment we learned that Kyle is following his own curve on the growth chart. In other words, though he is still below the 0 percentile, he maintains a steady climb in the right direction. For our journaling, Kyle's stats are as follows:

Weight: 21 pounds 6 ounces (9.701 kg)
Height: 34 inches (86.4 cm)

At 2 years old, Kyle's favorites are:

• Playing his guitar (ukulele) . . . ALL day long
• Fire trucks (finding the real ones out and about)
• Playing "dump" with his trash trucks
• Playing with his friends: Nick, Will, Elsie, and Kellan
• Cuddling Mommy :)
• Visits from family (near and far)
• Swimming
• Going to the Back Bay, library story hour, Mimi's house, and Kyle's "school"
• Working on projects with Dad
• Outside: "playing" tennis, parks, bike rides, kayak rides, and "walky-walks"
• Dancing 
• Music (still loves Bob Marley, loves "Jump into the Light" by Jana Alayra)

Our Little Man at 2 years old...

And a little video of the kid in action: 

Our respite from the concrete jungle.

I could write a new post about our Back Bay on a weekly, if not daily, basis. We go just about every day. One of the reasons we love where we live, is that we're just a few miles from the ocean and less than a mile from our Back Bay. We enjoy the proximity of city life with some very tranquil spots to relax and breathe smog-free air! This particular trip out to our favorite little island had us missing Jonathan so much. The boys would have had so much fun together. 

 

GG's visit

While I was away in Atlanta last weekend, GG came to help care for Kyle. I was anxious to leave Kyle for 4 days (my longest time away) knowing how attached he is to me right now, but I also knew it would be good for everyone involved. GG and Kyle got some quality time together and I got a much needed break! Not only have we spent so much time together (12hrs/day for the past two months) but emotionally, I've just not been myself and the time away from everything was really, really nice. I missed my little man like CRAZY, but was so thankful for 4 days of total anticipation,distraction, and a lot of happiness!

Meanwhile, Kyle was having the time of his life with his Grandma. They swam, walked, kayaked, beached, and played dump-truck for hours on end. Here are some pictures of their time together:

 

Taking GG out on the kayak in the Back Bay.

A stop at an island beach.

Learning how to skip rocks.

Loves his apple on a stick.

Thank you, GG, for the effort you made to get here and all the fun you and Kyle had together! And thank you, for the chance to get away!

Atlanta, Georgia

For Father's Day this year, my sister and I surprised our dad with a trip to Atlanta to see his/our favorite baseball team of all time, the Atlanta Braves! This would not have been possible without the generosity of my mother-in-law and her buddy passes (free standby tickets). It was a trip of a lifetime and one we will never forget!!! Of course, these are not even half of the pictures we took, but you'll get the idea!

Flying standby is always an adventure. Here we are sleeping in the Vegas airport during our 5 hour wait. This summer it has been particularly difficult to get on flights. After days and days of scheduling and rescheduling, we listed for what seemed the most plausible (even if a bit ridiculous) and actually made it on every flight we tried until our last leg home.

I knew that if we could get out of Orange County, we'd make it there and so here we are celebrating the fact that we were actually on a plane and we were actually, really, going to see our Braves in their home stadium! Dream come true for all 3 of us, especially my for my dad who's been a fan since he was 5 years old! :)

At the visitor's center where we got our first real taste of Southern hospitality. My, what a different world. We walked away with accents and had fun using them throughout the trip! :)

Shocked we were really in Georgia. It was beautiful though very, very hot and humid. We drove through Alabama and Georgia ... and really loved the experience. At times, it felt like we were in an entirely different country.

It took us two full days to get there with 4 airport stops, an overnight in Chicago, and a 2.5 hour drive from Birmingham, AL to Atlanta, GA. It was all worth it the moment we walked in to the park. I have no shame in saying that the 3 of us actually teared up. It was a moment we'll never forget!

The stadium had been built to replace the old one when the 1996 Olympics came to Atlanta. It was gorgeous.

Couldn't stop smiling. We'd even lost sleep the 2 nights before just giggling with anticipation!!

Growing up, I think we spent just about every game the Braves played during the 90's sitting in our living room learning about the strategies of every pitch and the chess game going on between managers as certain calls were made. My dad taught us well. We loved the players, their stories, and after winning the division title year after year, finally watching them win a World Series!! We remember many a game tomahawk chopping in our living room as we cheered them on. Imagine the surreal moments we shared with 39,000 other fans as we all tomahawk chopped in this huge stadium. Coming from Dodger stadium where you want to blend in as much as possible when rooting for the opposing team (think recent beatings!) to be in the home field where nearly everyone is dressed in Atlanta clothing and cheers and applauds with you was so weird and so cool.

Thankfully, we had great seats both games and they won both times!

During the day on Saturday, we visited "The World of Coke" museum.

A mural of the 125 year history of Coca Cola.

After Coca-Cola, we made one of the most meaningful stops of our lives... to the Martin Luther King Jr. National Historic Site. We watched a 27 minute video that had us in tears the entire time. Then, we walked through the museum seeing and reading about horrific, shameful things and cried some more. Finally, we visited MLK Jr.'s birthplace, church, and crypt. We walked away absolutely devastated by the atrocities of man and yet so incredibly inspired by the life of Dr. King and those who followed him. It was a place every human being should go and we're so thankful we got the opportunity. It was just blocks from our hotel and blocks from the stadium.

Back at our last game. After waiting a lifetime to be here, we were very sad to say good-bye. It may not make much sense to you all, but believe me when I say this was a dream come true and we thank Gina for making it possible!! 

We love you, dad! :)