Bittersweet

I can't remember feeling such a genuine sense of sadness and joy all in the same breath. The term, bittersweet, had always felt a bit obscure but I think I finally get it now.

Bitter: 
We miss Jonathan. So much. Holding our baby boy and seeing his perfect little legs and feet dangle off the palm of my hand really left a mark.And it made our love for him grow exponentially. I can only equate the difference in love to the feelings a pregnant woman has before and after she holds her baby for the first time. It's like, the whole 9 months you know you're growing a baby inside, but when you see and hold your baby, a love far greater than the one you had while carrying the child just explodes from within. I think that's why it's hard to "move on." Because to us, we didn't just get the idea of him, we actually saw and held him. And though we never got to know his personality or see what his true appearance would be, we fell in love.

In spite of our belief that he's in a better place, our human hearts still want him with us. We are daily reminded of his absence and it continues to hurt. Throughout December and especially over the Christmas break, we experienced many painful reminders. I assume that it will get easier as life moves on, but our lives will never be the same and we'll always, always miss our son.

Sweet:
During that same painful time in December, God blessed us with a new, little life... I am 3 months pregnant!!! :) We are elated and so, so thankful. We can't even begin to describe how grateful we are for my surgery and the chance it gave us to build our family. Though we are filled with new hope, we are still quite nervous. I think we'll get to the end and realize we've been holding our breath the whole way through. God-willing, we hope to bring a baby home sometime in September. So far everything looks good. We've been seen by many doctors including my surgeon and already had our appointment with a perinatologist (high-risk doctor). Thankfully, everything seems to be going well and our high-risk label is only a precaution!!

Bittersweet:
So there ya have it. It's a bittersweet time as we remember the past but so look forward to the future! Over the past 3 months as I've had time to process all this I've realized just how important it is to me that people not think this new one replaces Jonathan. We still appreciate those who say his name and will remember him. I think this point in our pregnancy is another milestone in our process of healing (translation: it is difficult now), as we get closer to the time we lost him. Every picture I see online or in our pregnancy books only reminds me of the images I have imprinted on my mind and heart.

However, because of our loss, we appreciate this pregnancy and little life more than ever!!!!  Thank you, God!! Yay for 3 months without any complications!!! And hooray that this horrible, awful sickness will be over (fingers-crossed) within a month!! It's so fun to finally share this news with you all!!! :)